I woke up this morning feeling worse than I have in a long time. I sort of over did it on the weekend, and despite a pleasant evening last night (a long walk and a good book before sleeping), the first thing I felt this morning was defeat. It makes me think: restraint is necessary. Overindulgence leads to wasted energy. Save your strength.
To save is to save for something.
It's very difficult for me to think forward, and in fact I wouldn't say I'm stuck in the past either. So I suppose I live in the moment, except not in the sense that I cherish every waking second of my life. I simply live here, and lately, am a little stuck here.
That's why it's weird when I told my co-worker today that my dad writes a blog, but he doesn't show it to me, and occasionally talks about how nice it is that he'll have something to leave behind when he passes away.
This makes me envision myself spending countless nights pouring over a Korean/English Dictionary, and my father's words. This makes me feel the expanding of time, from here to there. This makes me feel anxious, wondering what my father's written thoughts are like.
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
Evening Thoughts: none!
I came home at a late 12:30 AM and accidently posted on my other blog, solpark.blogspot.com. I deleted it, but it basically said:
"it's 12:30 AM and I just got home from work, so this post might get cut short. I'm talking to Josh now, good night."
OH man, it's Friday, and I don't care what you say, what you do, but I'm happy the week is over. Almost.
There's a lot to be done, To-Day.
"it's 12:30 AM and I just got home from work, so this post might get cut short. I'm talking to Josh now, good night."
OH man, it's Friday, and I don't care what you say, what you do, but I'm happy the week is over. Almost.
There's a lot to be done, To-Day.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Ten Minute Break: it's been a long day
I spent ten minutes thinking of what to write, only to feel as if any words worth saying have been snatched from my mind. That is as far as this confession goes. Sometimes, there I am, in an empty room, robbed of memories I never had.
Still, love.
Still, love.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Evening Thoughts: much thanks to Jose and Josh
And I quote my friend Jose, on the "working world"--
"But I want the World to judge me, and so I got to do something that matters to the World."
Brave and sturdy words, he spoke. We sat down for dinner for the first time after months of not speaking, simply coming and going from our shared apartment, caught up in the emotional, physical, and spiritual grind of work, life, reality. We sat down tonight and realized there is a strand of common experience connecting us, and that this strand is essential, crucial, and that it is necessary to nurture and nourish this strand, so it becomes many strands, a thick rope, a bridge, an isthmus. The task is individual, yet everything about it is connecting and shared.
My other roommate, Josh, and I have been spending more time together. We've been talking a lot about where we are and where we would like to go. We've also had some serious discussions that have led to disagreements and exchanges of strong words. But Josh and I are also sharing an experience, one where the same essential ingredients are playing their pivotal roles in each of our lives; I see the importance of writing, routine, and most of all, I see the importance of acknowledging each others struggles, saying, I see you, and I see how far you have come, and I believe in where you are going.
Jose also said, happiness is not something you can have, not something you can grab and own. It is something you must maintain, it is a state of being: it is seeing where you are now, here, and it is at the same time believing you will someday be somewhere else, there. I said happiness is overrated and we agreed, perhaps because we both knew the word was too loaded, and at the same time too light, to encapsulate what it is we're all trying to become.
And so, perhaps, patience, discipline, and motivation are simply words to describe a much more complex vision we have in store for our futures. Perhaps in shedding these jangling terms, which for so long have been like tiny stone figures I gave offering to, there can be a silence like none the world has ever heard.
"But I want the World to judge me, and so I got to do something that matters to the World."
Brave and sturdy words, he spoke. We sat down for dinner for the first time after months of not speaking, simply coming and going from our shared apartment, caught up in the emotional, physical, and spiritual grind of work, life, reality. We sat down tonight and realized there is a strand of common experience connecting us, and that this strand is essential, crucial, and that it is necessary to nurture and nourish this strand, so it becomes many strands, a thick rope, a bridge, an isthmus. The task is individual, yet everything about it is connecting and shared.
My other roommate, Josh, and I have been spending more time together. We've been talking a lot about where we are and where we would like to go. We've also had some serious discussions that have led to disagreements and exchanges of strong words. But Josh and I are also sharing an experience, one where the same essential ingredients are playing their pivotal roles in each of our lives; I see the importance of writing, routine, and most of all, I see the importance of acknowledging each others struggles, saying, I see you, and I see how far you have come, and I believe in where you are going.
Jose also said, happiness is not something you can have, not something you can grab and own. It is something you must maintain, it is a state of being: it is seeing where you are now, here, and it is at the same time believing you will someday be somewhere else, there. I said happiness is overrated and we agreed, perhaps because we both knew the word was too loaded, and at the same time too light, to encapsulate what it is we're all trying to become.
And so, perhaps, patience, discipline, and motivation are simply words to describe a much more complex vision we have in store for our futures. Perhaps in shedding these jangling terms, which for so long have been like tiny stone figures I gave offering to, there can be a silence like none the world has ever heard.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Evening Thoughts: blogging and venting
The ten minutes of blogging is my experimentation with catharsis in the workplace. The virtual space allows me to express myself as an individual, instead of as a part of the office community, which involves speaking with reservations.
But the blogsphere is a public space, accessible by anyone who cares to look. This made me think about the post where I vented about annoying co-workers. The public aspect of the blog brought to my attention interesting questions of principles: although the blogsphere is public, the possibility of my co-workers reading what I write is slim; does that mean my public voice is in fact a compromised one? As I write on this blog, I hope to uphold at least one principle, and that is sincerity. Would I write what I write if my co-workers could read it? And if I don't write about my co-workers, is it because I'm concerned for my reputation?
I started thinking about this especially after I cooled down from my rant. My cubemate is essentially harmless, and so I felt guilty talking about him in public as I did. And then I began to wonder if it was because there was a chance that he might read it, or someone he knew might read it, instead of a sincere feeling of regret. I talk about my co-workers with my friends liberally. On a bad day, I'll say some terrible things. So why is a blogpost different?
So I edited my post to include a note: if you are reading, I hope you know I mean every word.
Now, this doesn't change the nature of the blogspace, accessible to everyone yet accessed by a limited few. My opinions are still privy to a select few. However, I wrote the added note after I reflected on my actual interaction with coworkers and found that only an idiot wouldn't realize I had problems with a few of the good folks I work with. I'm always cracking jokes about how they're only arguing because they want to be right, that they believe something only because they're insecure of their manhood, and I'm always telling them straight up that they make my life a stuffy hell. These jokes and jabs are the way I let people know I feel uncomfortable, get people to leave so I can get some work done, and ultimately assert a particular set terms of interaction I expect from my co-workers.
Still, it's always weird to talk about people behind their backs. The sense of paranoia and uneasiness that comes along with speaking of family members and friends is especially enough of an incentive to allow grudges to fester and objections to fall to the wayside, but these conversations are necessary. It's necessary to talk to other people about your feelings, in honest and raw terms. I don't want to be a gossip fiend or a back stabber. I'm talking about letting someone know how you really feel, despite the anxiety that word will get around, that the listener might judge, and worst of all, that no one will agree. This kind of talk isn't just venting, this kind of talk is testing what begins as a nugget of conviction against the eyes, minds, and mouths of the people who share our everyday experiences, to see if what we see is what they see.
This isn't advice on how to behave in the office. These are simply my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Sol
But the blogsphere is a public space, accessible by anyone who cares to look. This made me think about the post where I vented about annoying co-workers. The public aspect of the blog brought to my attention interesting questions of principles: although the blogsphere is public, the possibility of my co-workers reading what I write is slim; does that mean my public voice is in fact a compromised one? As I write on this blog, I hope to uphold at least one principle, and that is sincerity. Would I write what I write if my co-workers could read it? And if I don't write about my co-workers, is it because I'm concerned for my reputation?
I started thinking about this especially after I cooled down from my rant. My cubemate is essentially harmless, and so I felt guilty talking about him in public as I did. And then I began to wonder if it was because there was a chance that he might read it, or someone he knew might read it, instead of a sincere feeling of regret. I talk about my co-workers with my friends liberally. On a bad day, I'll say some terrible things. So why is a blogpost different?
So I edited my post to include a note: if you are reading, I hope you know I mean every word.
Now, this doesn't change the nature of the blogspace, accessible to everyone yet accessed by a limited few. My opinions are still privy to a select few. However, I wrote the added note after I reflected on my actual interaction with coworkers and found that only an idiot wouldn't realize I had problems with a few of the good folks I work with. I'm always cracking jokes about how they're only arguing because they want to be right, that they believe something only because they're insecure of their manhood, and I'm always telling them straight up that they make my life a stuffy hell. These jokes and jabs are the way I let people know I feel uncomfortable, get people to leave so I can get some work done, and ultimately assert a particular set terms of interaction I expect from my co-workers.
Still, it's always weird to talk about people behind their backs. The sense of paranoia and uneasiness that comes along with speaking of family members and friends is especially enough of an incentive to allow grudges to fester and objections to fall to the wayside, but these conversations are necessary. It's necessary to talk to other people about your feelings, in honest and raw terms. I don't want to be a gossip fiend or a back stabber. I'm talking about letting someone know how you really feel, despite the anxiety that word will get around, that the listener might judge, and worst of all, that no one will agree. This kind of talk isn't just venting, this kind of talk is testing what begins as a nugget of conviction against the eyes, minds, and mouths of the people who share our everyday experiences, to see if what we see is what they see.
This isn't advice on how to behave in the office. These are simply my thoughts.
Sincerely,
Sol
Ten Minute Break: Stomach Ache & Heart Break
I have some kind of attention-span problem. I think the kids are calling it ADD, and there's this cute blue pill that'll help me concentrate. I start doing one task, and as soon as I complete some small part of it, my nose is in a magazine, or I'm chatting on gchat. Distractions are lovely. I get distracted from my own conversations sometimes! I'm talking, I'm talking, I'm talking, and then suddenly I notice that the person I'm talking to, friend forever, is confused. I've somehow strayed.
Something I've noticed about this short attention span is that it's very closely related to my emotional intensity. That's right, I'm kind of emotional. Meaning, I get caught up in excitement and brought down to doldrums at the speed of the Internet. And this affects my productivity. Not just office work, but school work, creative work, and anything else that requires me to focus on something for long periods of time. So while I'm on a roll for about an hour, plugging away at a document, I will hit a speed bump, and I will slow down to the crawling pace of an emo kid talking about his feelings. It, like, sucks.
Like everyone, I have to learn to balance. But I have this feeling that while some people juggle maybe two or three apples at a time, I'm kind of dealing with a dozen raw eggs.
Speaking of raw eggs, my stomach is killing me. It's like a hundred bottles of bubbly are poppin and they just won't stop.
Love.
Something I've noticed about this short attention span is that it's very closely related to my emotional intensity. That's right, I'm kind of emotional. Meaning, I get caught up in excitement and brought down to doldrums at the speed of the Internet. And this affects my productivity. Not just office work, but school work, creative work, and anything else that requires me to focus on something for long periods of time. So while I'm on a roll for about an hour, plugging away at a document, I will hit a speed bump, and I will slow down to the crawling pace of an emo kid talking about his feelings. It, like, sucks.
Like everyone, I have to learn to balance. But I have this feeling that while some people juggle maybe two or three apples at a time, I'm kind of dealing with a dozen raw eggs.
Speaking of raw eggs, my stomach is killing me. It's like a hundred bottles of bubbly are poppin and they just won't stop.
Love.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Evening Thoughts: on the summer, over a cool one
Man, I am too tired to write.
hehe
Today, was beautiful. The weather changed suddenly, giving breeze, giving sun, giving summer vibes so warm and so bright. Man, this is why I love New York. Every time this city does to me, I can't help but fall in love all over again. Changing seasons, this shit is so emotional! My favorite part of all this summer mayhem is the nights. I can't wait to chill on rooftops, walk the streets in a white t, and have many drinks, dinners, conversations, in open restaurants and bars all over the city. I can't wait to sit on steps, stand outside to say good bye, and fall asleep to open windows. It's going to be hot, it's going to be humid, and it's gonna get stiiiiiicccky! But shit, we'll glisten on the A all the way up to my place...
Summer work'll be sweaty commutes. Not quite the grimy Seoul city days of cigarettes breaks on rooftops and roaring remote controlled air conditioners spewing artificial ice cubes into tiny fan filled rooms. No, this summer is gonna be a different kind of grind. I'm back home and I got fam to take care of, friends to back me up, and business as usual. And luckily, this city never lets you get too comfortable, no, not me. This city will keep me stayin' hungry.
Love.
hehe
Today, was beautiful. The weather changed suddenly, giving breeze, giving sun, giving summer vibes so warm and so bright. Man, this is why I love New York. Every time this city does to me, I can't help but fall in love all over again. Changing seasons, this shit is so emotional! My favorite part of all this summer mayhem is the nights. I can't wait to chill on rooftops, walk the streets in a white t, and have many drinks, dinners, conversations, in open restaurants and bars all over the city. I can't wait to sit on steps, stand outside to say good bye, and fall asleep to open windows. It's going to be hot, it's going to be humid, and it's gonna get stiiiiiicccky! But shit, we'll glisten on the A all the way up to my place...
Summer work'll be sweaty commutes. Not quite the grimy Seoul city days of cigarettes breaks on rooftops and roaring remote controlled air conditioners spewing artificial ice cubes into tiny fan filled rooms. No, this summer is gonna be a different kind of grind. I'm back home and I got fam to take care of, friends to back me up, and business as usual. And luckily, this city never lets you get too comfortable, no, not me. This city will keep me stayin' hungry.
Love.
Ten Minute Break: In a bad mood already
I was going to save these sweet ten minutes of blogging heaven for a later slice of the day, but too late. It's 10:18 AM and I'm pissed off already. My awkward cubemate walks in talking about how beautiful it is out, asking me, "Makes you hate to be at work, huh?" Thanks buddy. Then he starts talking about baseball, so I chip in with my Mets angst, hoping we can talk about how both our teams sucked this weekend (he's a Yanks fan). He simply goes, "I didn't know you were such a big Mets fan." I guess I'm not. Thanks for killing the conversation. He then starts to sputter into his speakerphone while eating cereal, annoying me further with his general sloppiness and lack of consideration for other people. Then antoher co-worker walks in, and stands at our doorway, smiling. Mind you, he has a large beard. So he's smiling, with a large beard.
"How's about those Yankees?"
"What about them," my cubemate replies.
"Better get out the brooms! Sweep, sweep..."
"Yeah, I'm not worried."
"Okay, well. What's this deal you're working on?"
"Oh, it's something you don't know anything about."
"What is it?"
"It's a Grantor Trust."
"What the fuck is that."
"Ask... ask someone about it."
"Okay, that's all I got."
Ruffled feathers, bearded co-worker leaves. This is too much. I'm in a bad mood already. Just wanted to share. That's my ten minutes.
EDIT: and to the above mentioned co-workers, you guys ARE that awkward, and not like in a cute nerdy way, but in a my-ego's-so-massive-I-can-barely-walk-straight-
gosh-what-if-people-think-I'm-gay kind of way. Yeah.
"How's about those Yankees?"
"What about them," my cubemate replies.
"Better get out the brooms! Sweep, sweep..."
"Yeah, I'm not worried."
"Okay, well. What's this deal you're working on?"
"Oh, it's something you don't know anything about."
"What is it?"
"It's a Grantor Trust."
"What the fuck is that."
"Ask... ask someone about it."
"Okay, that's all I got."
Ruffled feathers, bearded co-worker leaves. This is too much. I'm in a bad mood already. Just wanted to share. That's my ten minutes.
EDIT: and to the above mentioned co-workers, you guys ARE that awkward, and not like in a cute nerdy way, but in a my-ego's-so-massive-I-can-barely-walk-straight-
gosh-what-if-people-think-I'm-gay kind of way. Yeah.
Bigger thoughts
One of the main reasons I haven't been writing here for so long is that I have not been staying hungry!
I sort of lost my appetite and got tired of eating these half assed meals and lonely take out dinners. This kind of life will make your stomach shrink and your penis stop working. Seriously though, it's tough to keep doing your thang when you ain't got nourishment: encouragement, companionship, and mentorship. You gots to get your food on! That's like Lasagna, Kim-Chee Jiggae, and Kong-Bijee, respectively. Sure, hate and resentment can fuel some righteous tirades and beautiful ballads, but then your liver takes a huge hit for the team. "Pat, pat" to my liver. Thanks, buddy.
So yo, talk to me, I'll talk to you. I'll try not getting hung up on heart break and you try not to break my heart, we'll do just fine.
Peace.
I sort of lost my appetite and got tired of eating these half assed meals and lonely take out dinners. This kind of life will make your stomach shrink and your penis stop working. Seriously though, it's tough to keep doing your thang when you ain't got nourishment: encouragement, companionship, and mentorship. You gots to get your food on! That's like Lasagna, Kim-Chee Jiggae, and Kong-Bijee, respectively. Sure, hate and resentment can fuel some righteous tirades and beautiful ballads, but then your liver takes a huge hit for the team. "Pat, pat" to my liver. Thanks, buddy.
So yo, talk to me, I'll talk to you. I'll try not getting hung up on heart break and you try not to break my heart, we'll do just fine.
Peace.
I can't sleep
Because I've been getting 5 hours of sleep everynight for the past few weeks, and tonight, I went to bed at 10 PM for the first time in a long time, I woke up at 1:30 AM, thirsty and kind of ready to go to work.
I tried a couple other things to fall asleep before I hopped onto my blog. Let's hope this does it.
I had this dream where I was writing an email to a friend of a friend, telling her the correct name of some company someone had quit from--it was a long dream where I kept drafting this one email over and over again. The dream had two distinct qualities: 1.Desperation for human contact 2. Occupational Entrapment
Somehow, writing this email was the only way for me to get to know this person. The whole email was about some minute detail, like the spelling of the word Cadwalader, or something. But I kept drafting the email, sometimes forgetting I had drafted it already, and it seemed when she responded, we were still talking about the same shit. Fucking maddening.
I woke up in a sweaty panic.
I also pondered what it meant that so many of my friends had rich parents.
It's not a big thought. Small thought. Highschool thought.
Big thoughts: ...??
I tried a couple other things to fall asleep before I hopped onto my blog. Let's hope this does it.
I had this dream where I was writing an email to a friend of a friend, telling her the correct name of some company someone had quit from--it was a long dream where I kept drafting this one email over and over again. The dream had two distinct qualities: 1.Desperation for human contact 2. Occupational Entrapment
Somehow, writing this email was the only way for me to get to know this person. The whole email was about some minute detail, like the spelling of the word Cadwalader, or something. But I kept drafting the email, sometimes forgetting I had drafted it already, and it seemed when she responded, we were still talking about the same shit. Fucking maddening.
I woke up in a sweaty panic.
I also pondered what it meant that so many of my friends had rich parents.
It's not a big thought. Small thought. Highschool thought.
Big thoughts: ...??
Monday, April 02, 2007
In the News Today: Cars, Television, and Cows
U.S. and South Korea in Landmark Trade Deal.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/02/business/02cnd-trade.html?hp
This bilateral trade deal has been in the works for some time now, and the most recent breakthrough indicates success for proponents of the agreement. Generally speaking, the agreement will tear down the wall between the two countries that has slowed trade and created a substantial trade deficit for the United States.
Most recently, Korea enforced a ban against American beef due to Mad Cow Disease. President Roh had been losing popularity (as, I am told, Korean presidents have a tendency of doing) and tensions between the United States and North Korea have steadily been increasing.
The ban against American beef follows the wider context of Anti-Americanism that has followed an unsuccessful war in Iraq, tensions with North Korea, and a long history of American Military presence in South Korea which has never stopped having its share of controversy. Nationalism sentiment surged in choosing Korean beef over American, and the trade agreement in today's news is not only an indication of how unpredictable nationalism-driven politics' can be but it is also warns of the temporary nature of the agreement itself.
The tensions at work in South Korea are immense, and should not be taken lightly. The big losers are, after all, Korean agriculture. In the agreement, Korean farmers are going to sustain their hold on rice, but for the most part their recent hold on beef will be lost. There are protesters calling President Roh's agreement an attempt to make South Korea the 51st state, urging that "mad cow" be fed "to Bush."
South Korea is a fast changing country with a large influx of American culture constantly streaming into its brain waves. It is also a country with a long history of tension with America, as younger generations feel more nationalism, and less fear of North Korea. The hit taken by Korean Agriculture and the increased nationalistic reactionary sentiments to the agreement will give critics of the agreement plenty of ammo in the propaganda war against the policy.
It will be the Korean Government's prerogative to make sure they seize the agreement opportunity to strengthen Korea's export in America and expand its technology and industrial base in the homeland. The mass of unemployed farmers will have to be displaced with the educating of rural citizens in preparation of their taking part in the new technology/communications industry. The name of the game for Korea is development.
The United States stands to gain a lot in this deal, decreasing the trade deficit with Korea by increasing American automobile sales in the country, revitalizing the export of beef, and somewhat increasing accessibility of American cultural products such as televisions shows and films. The Bush administration gains points in creating an important economic deal in Asia, creating an opportunity for better diplomacy through increased interdependence. South Korea is, after all, an important economic and cultural center in Asia, influential in China and Japan, as well as in South East Asian nations.
The deal is meant to strengthen relations, but again, that remains tentative. The deal is good for big business, on both sides, and consumers will benefit from cheaper products. But also, the deal increases anti-American sentiments, weakening the popular support for the current administration, and creating a chance for opportunistic nationalist politics to seize control. The idea is, of course, that a smaller developing country has a lot to gain, depending on the development "stage" it is at, in such an opening up.
****
It dawned on me today, that while not a realistic possibility, things could change so much in Korea in the next decade, that many of its current policies could dramatically change, including mandatory male military service. This false hope washed over me as a sad reflection on how our choices are limited by nations. As an American, I have taken for granted the ability to travel wherever I would like. I have taken for granted the ability to choose. However, in Korea, there are many who cannot travel to America due to visa limitations, who must spend over two years of their lives in the army.
Of course, it isn't necessarily a bad thing to be unable to come to America. If anything, my desire to go to Korea is a driven by a more naive desire to go home (fueled ironically, by the same Korean culture that refuses me) than the purely practical reasons that drive South Koreans to send their children to American.
But what if?
What if I could freely travel to South Korea and freely live there and freely reeducate myself of the culture, the language, the politics? What if I could see my extended family on a basis less superficial than as their American cousin who has IVY League education. These are naive dreams. But perhaps they are not. In many other countries, foreign raised children return to their homelands and struggle but succeed in forging new identities, and contribute largely to their respective nations.
What if I could? Would I? And why would I? Am I that distant from my American identity that I would forsake it for a distant homeland that accuses of me of the same crime as my birth-nation? Why move, when no matter where I go I am foreign?
Because fuck that, I know who I am. Nationalist fuckers on both sides of the same fence can go fuck themselves. I'm tired of being called a chink in New York, as much as I am tired of feeling ashamed of my weak Korean language skills. Exclusionary cowards can live in their deluded world of homogeneity and bipolar identity, I'm moving on to more complex equations.
Once again, the limits placed on my life push me to find greater things. Complications with my national identity force me to limit my stays in South Korea to 6 month intervals per year; my race, my nationality, my socioeconomic background, my personal flaws--all make me unique, and less easily palatable to generalizations and single color/single word categorizations.
And who would have thought: Kaleidoscope comes to mind.
So here it is, my latest post. It's been a while.
This is my affirmative action.
- Sol
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/02/business/02cnd-trade.html?hp
This bilateral trade deal has been in the works for some time now, and the most recent breakthrough indicates success for proponents of the agreement. Generally speaking, the agreement will tear down the wall between the two countries that has slowed trade and created a substantial trade deficit for the United States.
Most recently, Korea enforced a ban against American beef due to Mad Cow Disease. President Roh had been losing popularity (as, I am told, Korean presidents have a tendency of doing) and tensions between the United States and North Korea have steadily been increasing.
The ban against American beef follows the wider context of Anti-Americanism that has followed an unsuccessful war in Iraq, tensions with North Korea, and a long history of American Military presence in South Korea which has never stopped having its share of controversy. Nationalism sentiment surged in choosing Korean beef over American, and the trade agreement in today's news is not only an indication of how unpredictable nationalism-driven politics' can be but it is also warns of the temporary nature of the agreement itself.
The tensions at work in South Korea are immense, and should not be taken lightly. The big losers are, after all, Korean agriculture. In the agreement, Korean farmers are going to sustain their hold on rice, but for the most part their recent hold on beef will be lost. There are protesters calling President Roh's agreement an attempt to make South Korea the 51st state, urging that "mad cow" be fed "to Bush."
South Korea is a fast changing country with a large influx of American culture constantly streaming into its brain waves. It is also a country with a long history of tension with America, as younger generations feel more nationalism, and less fear of North Korea. The hit taken by Korean Agriculture and the increased nationalistic reactionary sentiments to the agreement will give critics of the agreement plenty of ammo in the propaganda war against the policy.
It will be the Korean Government's prerogative to make sure they seize the agreement opportunity to strengthen Korea's export in America and expand its technology and industrial base in the homeland. The mass of unemployed farmers will have to be displaced with the educating of rural citizens in preparation of their taking part in the new technology/communications industry. The name of the game for Korea is development.
The United States stands to gain a lot in this deal, decreasing the trade deficit with Korea by increasing American automobile sales in the country, revitalizing the export of beef, and somewhat increasing accessibility of American cultural products such as televisions shows and films. The Bush administration gains points in creating an important economic deal in Asia, creating an opportunity for better diplomacy through increased interdependence. South Korea is, after all, an important economic and cultural center in Asia, influential in China and Japan, as well as in South East Asian nations.
The deal is meant to strengthen relations, but again, that remains tentative. The deal is good for big business, on both sides, and consumers will benefit from cheaper products. But also, the deal increases anti-American sentiments, weakening the popular support for the current administration, and creating a chance for opportunistic nationalist politics to seize control. The idea is, of course, that a smaller developing country has a lot to gain, depending on the development "stage" it is at, in such an opening up.
****
It dawned on me today, that while not a realistic possibility, things could change so much in Korea in the next decade, that many of its current policies could dramatically change, including mandatory male military service. This false hope washed over me as a sad reflection on how our choices are limited by nations. As an American, I have taken for granted the ability to travel wherever I would like. I have taken for granted the ability to choose. However, in Korea, there are many who cannot travel to America due to visa limitations, who must spend over two years of their lives in the army.
Of course, it isn't necessarily a bad thing to be unable to come to America. If anything, my desire to go to Korea is a driven by a more naive desire to go home (fueled ironically, by the same Korean culture that refuses me) than the purely practical reasons that drive South Koreans to send their children to American.
But what if?
What if I could freely travel to South Korea and freely live there and freely reeducate myself of the culture, the language, the politics? What if I could see my extended family on a basis less superficial than as their American cousin who has IVY League education. These are naive dreams. But perhaps they are not. In many other countries, foreign raised children return to their homelands and struggle but succeed in forging new identities, and contribute largely to their respective nations.
What if I could? Would I? And why would I? Am I that distant from my American identity that I would forsake it for a distant homeland that accuses of me of the same crime as my birth-nation? Why move, when no matter where I go I am foreign?
Because fuck that, I know who I am. Nationalist fuckers on both sides of the same fence can go fuck themselves. I'm tired of being called a chink in New York, as much as I am tired of feeling ashamed of my weak Korean language skills. Exclusionary cowards can live in their deluded world of homogeneity and bipolar identity, I'm moving on to more complex equations.
Once again, the limits placed on my life push me to find greater things. Complications with my national identity force me to limit my stays in South Korea to 6 month intervals per year; my race, my nationality, my socioeconomic background, my personal flaws--all make me unique, and less easily palatable to generalizations and single color/single word categorizations.
And who would have thought: Kaleidoscope comes to mind.
So here it is, my latest post. It's been a while.
This is my affirmative action.
- Sol
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