My ass, kicked

Body: I went to the gym yesterday after more than a week of inactivity supplemented by drinking. Luckily I ate fairly well, taking care to eat greens and staying away from shit (don't eat shit). So I had a comfortable week, no digestive problems. And yesterday I found myself running a hard two miles, and lifting for a solid fourty minutes. It felt great. This morning, however, I feel terrible. I'm tired and sleepy, and I'm not even sure if its soreness or just pure shock my body is going through.

Mind: Yet again I wake up late and try not to hate myself too much for starting the day off with incompetence. Yet again I sit in my cube feeling as if my life is going nowhere. Yet again I feel like I need something more. More than the satisfaction that I did a good days work for good money. Because, that feels good somedays, but other days its hard to remember my long term plans and truck ahead. Other days, most days, I fast forward my entire life in my head, only to see the dreary dark end.

Spirit: I haven't drawn, written, spoken, sung, danced, or screamed, in too long. I laugh though, and that gets me by. My cubemate is always great to snicker with. I had dinner with a friend last night whose sense of humor is comforting. And then there's music. I listened to a mix cd this morning, and that lifted my spirits up. But to neglect that essential list of disciplined cathartic exercises... that is to neglect living.

Staying Hungry, the Saga

I wonder if I'll ever get used to waking up next to you. It's weird that I wonder this as I wake up alone. The thought weighs me down, as it is well known that absence is heavier than any roomful of people. Despair is quickly next, as I wonder whether or not love can migrate from one person to another, or whether a part of me will be forever stranded on an island as the rest of my body drifts away in search of continent. Soon, will the whole of me be scattered across this single archipelago in the vast answer-less ocean?

But then I let it open. Laughter mingles with song, and it's all because of you. Oh friendly hand upon my head, look of love straight through to the heart, one embrace to get me by another day, see there's no need to pray, no need to call upon some heavenly help, give me earthly medicine for this earthly hurt, after all she's only a woman, and it's so easy to get confused about that, but still I know when you're near, that love is still alive, I'm so alive.

Reminds me that I need more than open eyes to break the sleep, break it open like glass shattered from baseball bats, forceful entry because I left the keys inside and I don't trust other guys, the cops the technicians or neighborhood thieves to pop open my own shell, I'll do it myself, one part my home two parts my vessel, I need more than a pair of arms and legs to wrestle, just give me teeth and bones and a rope, I'll fight with might discovered like hope buried in years of bad fucking jokes, break all ya'll smiles and silhouettes, fill, in, the spirit with a hunger, yes the absence is breath, don't wait for me to love ya, it's already set, climb upon the remnants of evidence, let your scream prove that we've never left, remind me again, what does it take to love?

[Sometimes, it's like I need this kind of writing to thaw myself out of a deadness, to truly wake up, I need some music, I need a self reminder, an earnest scramble.]